Dear Buck,
I’ve been reading your column and you seem like a guy who’s on the level. I’m hoping you can help me with a little problem I’ve been having.
Last year I cheated on my husband with another woman. At least, I think she was a woman. I’m not really sure because I was high on crystal meth at the time. I don’t think it mixes really good with the Lithium that my doctor prescribed for my bipolar disorder which was causing me to beat my husband over the head with a frying pan. My husband somehow regained consciousness, escaped from the basement, and found out about the affair. Now he wants to leave me but he can’t until he finds the kids. The voices are telling me not to let him have the kids because they will only spread the demons’ disease and bring about the end of all humanity. They’re hidden in the trunk of our Buick right now.
My question is this: Should I push the car into a river or into a lake? Or would it be better to pour gasoline all over it and set it off with some C4?
Signed,
Concerned in Canton, OH
******
Dear Concerned,
Buck is only a fictitious personality who writes about himself in the third person. He is not a licensed therapist. He recommends that you seek professional help from a licensed psychiatrist before taking any additional steps, and since your children will need water at least every three days in order to survive, he suggests that you insist on an immediate appointment.
Dear Buck,
Last year I met a beautiful woman who is a great cook. Now, in my line of work, if you want to call it that, I meet a lot of really fanati- er, fantastic chicks. The problem is I can never score. They promise me the world, but they never deliver the goods. Now I got this chick who can cook too, but do you think she can follow a simple recipe and add a stainless steel nail file or two into the cake mix? No chance of that! This broad is so stupid it makes me want to strangle her and dump her off the back of my recently repossessed fishing boat!
How am I ever gonna get out of here and get laid?
Signed,
Doomed on Death Row, CA
******
Dear Doomed,
Buck posts blogs. He does NOT dispense legal advice, nor would he have any knowledge about how to escape from a maximum security federal penitentiary. Without a direct knowledge of the internal politics of your imprisonment situation, he can only make the generic recommendation that you swap sexual favors for key information about flaws in the prison’s security system.
Failing that, Buck suggests that when it comes time to receive your final meal, request a cherry pie in the shape of a naked woman, then pull an “American Pie.” Don’t worry about getting caught: you won’t be embarrassed for long.
Dear Buck,
My sister and I are hosting the family Thanksgiving dinner this year, but we can’t agree on if we should use the smooth cranberry sauce or the chunky cranberry sauce. She says smooth and you slice it, but I say chunky so you can actually see and taste the cranberries.
Also, when setting the table, I think the fork goes on the right, but she says it goes on the left. Please help us before we raise our voices at each other and ruin Thanksgiving forever!
Signed,
Stressed Out in Schenectady, NY
******
Dear Stressed Out,
Buck says get a life! This column is for real people with real problems! He respectfully asks that you don’t write to him for advice unless you have a worthy problem that only someone like Buck can help you with. Please do not bother him with minutiae.
3 comments:
Dear Buck,
Recently I was having an innocent drink at a local restaraunt awaiting the rest of my party to arrive. I had a brief exchange of dialog with a rather attractive, yet inhibriated, woman who appeared to be arguing with her male companion. Soon my party arrived and we were finishing our cocktails at the bar, when the woman walks by and presents me with a crumpled up napkin in front of my guests. Upon opening the napkin, I found her name and phone number and was immediately thrust into "rock star" status, as I had just scored digits with no effort at all. The jokes were made throughout the course of dinner, but my question is .. do I tell my wife?
Dazed & confused,
T'aco
Dear Dazed & Confused,
Buck is not a licensed marriage counselor, and can only speak to possible consequences of various courses of action. He asks that you observe the disclaimer that he cannot foresee all possible outcomes.
Buck believes the word you were looking for, by the way, was "inebriated."
The question isn't just whether to tell your wife, but if you do, how do you tell her? Buck's relationship with the vivacious and rarely suspicious Mrs. 99 is such that he could show her the napkin and they could enjoy a feel-good moment together. That some drunken tart at a watering hole found Buck attractive would produce a mixture of humor at his expense and congratulations on his continued ability to attract members of the opposite sex. However, showing the napkin to one's spounse within the context of a different relationship might be perceived as a provocation of some sort. Would it be perceived as a "threat" that the napkin recipient could leave his spouse at any time to "play the field?" Buck has known women who might try to find motives such as these in any gesture, regardless of how harmless the intent. If you play this card, Buck recommends that your spouse sees you casually throwing away the napkin.
You could tell your wife without producing the napkin, but that could lead to the same result, plus the added suspicion that the napkin may have been kept for future reference. If one day you find your personal belongings to be out of order, then perhaps this may be evidence that the napkin is being sought.
Finally, if you don't tell your wife at all and someone in your party blabs, then she may be curious why you didn't tell her about this, and your motives will be called into question. Buck suggests that if you take this route, you practice the following mantra in the mirror on your way to and from work each day: "Huh? Oh yeah, her. I totally forgot." Make sure you know exactly what happened to that napkin, like it must have gotten left on the table or something, and forget as many details as possible about the tart's physical appearance.
Buck would be very disappointed to learn that you actually kept the napkin for future use.
And so finally Buck must make his recommendation, and Buck says this: Have a conversation with your wife about the real problem, namely, that you are worried about what you can and cannot tell her, and use this as a prime example. Clearly a person should be able to share a humorous and flattering episode like this with one's spouse without fear of reprisal. Before you do, though, ask yourself what it is that you fear , try to imagine the conversation going as badly as it could possibly go, and be ready to deal with the situation calmly. And if you deem it necessary, broach the topic with her only in the presence of a licensed marriage counselor.
And seek not the answers to life from strangers writing blogs in the third person.
Buck,
I actually answered the question before I asked it, however, I was curious to see if your response would align with reality.
After the said event, I immediately told the wife and explained that the napkin was never actually in my possession, as it was quickly taken by one of my coworkers and ended up in several pieces left with the bill for dinner. I was fearful at first, but the honesty was invigorating and now I can not only sleep with a clear concious, but can share this story with all my friends as if it say "I still got it". I also received affirmation from all that witnessed this event that the leaver of the number was in fact extremely "doable" and would be considered "hot" in just about every context.
Thanks for the options and confirming that I did the right thing.
T'aco
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